light my way

And now we're dancing, dancing, dancing with no music
What is happening, happening, happening and no feelings
Except this is right
We just had to leave all that behind.
-The Avett Brothers

I am swearing off forming emotional attachments to boys. At least for a while, I think. Males my age have a lot of trouble apparently communicating what exactly they want and I think they also do and say a lot of things because they don't want to hurt a girl's feelings. The fact is, you're going to hurt me regardless so you might as well at least give me enough respect to be straight with me. For some reason I keep ending up in these confusing and hurtful situations that just leave me bitter and guarded and I don't want to be like that. I want to be content and open, not having to pick apart everything you say to me. Don't ruin my opinion of you just because you don't know what you want. If all you want is to makeout a couple times, fine I don't mind that but just let me know. If you want a relationship, okay that's a bit more complicated but we can deal with that.

Just stop jerking me around. My heart can't take too much more.

So I'm revamping this blog. New layout hopefully soon, new posts, new start. I miss Blogger. For all of it's glitz and glamour Livejournal can be a pretty lonely place. Blogger isn't lonely because you start out alone - there is no need to gain 50 million friends. It's just you. And that's what I need right now.

But everything looks perfect from far away...

If you hold yourself still, if you capture the light and span of that gray place against your retina, it has a bleak beauty. A fragile beauty, despite its vastness, because its delicate features are all but invisible, and if you breathe too soon it collapses, is only space.

Current Mood: Empty
Current Musicology: Robbie Williams's "Angels"

Not sure if anyone reads this, but oh well. Readership is not the point.

There are a lot of times, more now so for some reason, that I sit and think of regrets I have. Mostly, concerning friends or former friends.

I think about things I should or shouldn't have said, things I should or shouldn't have done. I know it's bad to dwell on things, but that's just who I am. I'm always wondering, "what if?"

What if I had just kept smiling and laughing even though I wasn't amused?

What if I had confronted you on the "secret"?

What if I had reached over and kissed you while you were sprawled out across my carpet?

You told me never to regret anything, but I regret a lot of things.

Most of which involve you, but that's a story for another time.

Make no mistake, I love my boyfriend. He is wonderful, more than I could ever have hoped for. Yet, you refuse to leave the recesses of my mind. Your image, your voice, your mere presense haunts me. I have vowed to not concern myself with you any longer, simply because there is too big of a rift between us now to ever think that we could be what we once were. "Friends" as you called it, but we were hardly that. I don't think hanging out while drinking and saying hi every now and then constitutes friendship. We were aquaintences, with an odd sort of intimate knowledge of each other. But even now, that knowledge that I held so dear is slipping away from me, being pushed aside by newer, more vibrant memories.

...This is stupid. I refuse to write about him any longer. He's not a part of my life anymore, why the hell do I still even care? Can somebody please explain it to me? How can one person I hardly even knew have such a profound affect on my emotional state?

I am frustrated.

Current Mood: *drooling over the yellow victoria trench rain coat*
Current Musicology: Weezer's "Keep Fishing"

So, it's been about three weeks and still no word from Steve. I understand that he can't write back but it's just depressing sometimes. I guess I will have to keep content with curling up in his comforter every night.

I'm quitting Bath & Body Works. This on-call bs is stupid; I'm not receiving on-call pay. It's simply a system of availability for them, so I have to schedule my day around a shift I may or may not work depending on how they feel, and I'm not receiving any incentive to stay at home. Blah.

I miss college. You don't realize how much your family frustrates you till you live on your own for a year and then move back home. I miss my friends, and d-hall food, and dorm life. Anyone reading this that's starting college in the fall, you will love the freedom, the people, just the entire atmosphere.

Mmph. Time to go look at more things in deLiA's that I can't afford.

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on